How Your Relationship With Yourself Shapes Every Other Relationship
No, you don’t have to “love yourself first,” but how you treat yourself matters
There’s a familiar message that gets repeated often: you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. While it may be well-intentioned, this idea can feel discouraging or even shaming for some. And the truth is that many people build meaningful, loving relationships while also carrying self-doubt, insecurity, or unresolved pain.
Connection doesn’t require a perfect relationship with yourself.
At the same time, the relationship you have with yourself definitely shapes how other relationships feel over time. Not always in obvious ways, but often in subtle, cumulative ones, through the assumptions you make, the stories you tell yourself, and the ways you respond internally when things don’t go as planned.
How your inner relationship shows up with others
Your relationship with yourself tends to show up in moments like:
how quickly you assume fault during conflict
how you interpret silence or ambiguity
whether disappointment turns into self-criticism or a moment of reflection
how easily you feel inspired to repair after a misstep
When your internal relationship is rigid or punitive, relationships often feel fragile…like one mistake could undo everything. But when your inner relationship allows for flexibility and curiosity, relationships tend to feel more forgiving and resilient.
This doesn’t mean you stop feeling anxious or insecure. It means you’re able to stay with yourself while feeling those things, instead of turning against yourself.
A healthy self-relationship is built through not only confidence but repair
A healthy relationship with yourself isn’t about constant self-esteem or positivity. It’s about how you respond when things are hard.
It looks like:
noticing self-criticism without immediately believing it
allowing yourself to feel disappointment without escalating it into judgment
trusting your emotional experience, even when it’s inconvenient
choosing reflection and growth over self-punishment
Over time, these moments create an internal environment that makes closeness with others feel less risky. When we feel like we have somewhere safe to land internally, we’re less likely to feel like we have to perform or prove ourselves in our relationships with others.
Why this matters for connection
When your relationship with yourself is sturdier, you’re more likely to:
tolerate uncertainty without panicking
communicate more honestly and vulnerably
stay present after conflict instead of withdrawing
choose relationships that align with your values
You don’t need to perfect your relationship with yourself before connecting with others. But tending to how you relate inwardly (especially during discomfort) can make relationships feel less exhausting and more authentic. In other words, if you want to improve your relationships with others, starting with yourself can be a great place to start.
If you’re curious about how your relationship with yourself shapes your relationships with others, working with a therapist can be a supportive place to explore that more deeply. Learn more about working with a therapist at Havn.