Giving and Receiving Love: Why It Can Feel So Different in Different Relationships
Love isn’t just a feeling but an act
Most people don’t struggle in relationships because there’s not enough love to go around. They often struggle because their love and care don’t always land the way they were intended.
Research on relationship satisfaction consistently shows that feeling loved isn’t just about intent, it’s about whether care is recognized and experienced. This is where the idea of love languages can be helpful, when used thoughtfully.
At its core, this concept points to a simple reality: people express love in different ways, and they feel most cared for when love is communicated in the ways that are meaningful to them.
The five common ways people express and receive love
While of course no framework captures the full complexity of relationships, research on relational communication and attachment suggests that people tend to emphasize certain behaviors when expressing care. These patterns are often referred to as “love languages.”
Words of affirmation
People who resonate with this love language tend to feel loved through verbal acknowledgment: appreciation, reassurance, and being recognized positively. Hearing “You’re so important to me” or “I appreciate what you did” helps the connection feel real and present.
Quality time
For others, love is experienced through focused attention. Shared time, meaningful conversation, or simply being fully present over dinner without distraction communicates priority and connection. “Let’s go on a phone-less walk” might be music to their ears.
Acts of service
Some people feel cared for when others follow through with tasks. Helpfulness, reliability, and practical support signal commitment and consideration. Think: doing the dishes or offering a ride to the airport.
Gifts
This one’s not just about materialism. For many, gifts represent thoughtfulness: being remembered, considered, and held in mind even when apart.
Physical touch
Touch can communicate closeness, comfort, and safety. This might include affection, proximity, or gentle physical reassurance, depending on the relationship. So yes, sometimes this means something sexual or sensual, but often not!
These preferences often develop from early relational experiences and tend to be reinforced over time, though they can shift depending on context, stress, and the type of relationship.
Giving love and receiving love aren’t always the same
One of the most important (and often overlooked) aspects of understanding love languages is that the way you give love may not be the way you most want to receive it.
Someone may naturally show care through acts of service but feel most loved through words. Another may give reassurance easily but feel most connected through time together.
This matters because people often assume:
“If this is how I show love, this must be how love feels to others.”
When those assumptions go unexamined, care can be present but unrecognized.
Why these differences matter in real relationships
Research on relationship satisfaction shows that misunderstandings often arise not from neglect, but from misinterpretation. People can feel unappreciated even while being cared for, simply because the care isn’t arriving in a form they register emotionally.
This shows up across relationship types:
Partners may feel distant despite consistent effort.
Friends may feel overlooked despite frequent communication.
Family members may feel misunderstood despite ongoing involvement.
Understanding these differences doesn’t require changing who you are. It invites translation rather than evaluation, and shifting from “they don’t care” to “they show care differently than I do.”
Love languages apply beyond romantic relationships
These patterns aren’t limited to romantic partnerships. They shape friendships, family dynamics, and even professional relationships.
A friend may show care through consistency rather than emotional depth.
A family member may offer practical support instead of conversation.
A colleague may express respect through reliability rather than warmth.
Recognizing these differences can reduce unnecessary conflict and deepen mutual understanding.
Using this framework without turning it into a scorecard
The goal isn’t to categorize yourself or others rigidly. Love languages aren’t fixed identities or demands, they’re tendencies.
Used well, this framework helps people:
notice how they express care
recognize how others may be trying to connect
communicate needs more clearly
reduce assumptions and resentment
Used poorly, it can become a way to keep score or assign blame.
The most helpful question isn’t “What’s your love language?” but:
“How do you experience care, and how can we be more intentional about that together?”
Why this understanding supports healthier relationships
Relationships tend to feel more secure when people feel understood. Not just loved in theory, but loved in ways they can actually feel.
Understanding how love is given and received doesn’t eliminate conflict, but it often softens it. It creates room for curiosity, flexibility, and more accurate interpretation of each other’s behavior.
And in many cases, that understanding alone can change how a relationship feels.
Keep in mind that therapy can be a supportive space to explore your relational patterns with curiosity and clarity. Learn more about working with a therapist at Havn at the button below.