When Gratitude Turns Toxic: Why You Don’t Need to “Be Grateful” All the Time
By November, we’re surrounded by reminders to “be thankful,” and our social media feeds fill with gratitude lists and cozy affirmations. But for many people, those reminders and calls to action can feel complicated.
Because here’s the thing: sometimes gratitude can be a way of avoiding real emotions.
As a therapist, I see this often—especially in high achievers or those aware of their privileges, who tell themselves, “I should be grateful, so why do I still feel off?”
What Is Toxic Gratitude?
Toxic gratitude happens when we use thankfulness to cover up pain, grief, or anger. It sometimes sounds like:
“At least I have a job, I shouldn’t complain.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“I should just be grateful and move on.”
Instead of being soothing, those thoughts often shame us for how we actually feel.
Gratitude ≠ Emotional Bypass
True gratitude and difficult feelings can coexist. You can feel grateful for your partner and frustrated with them. You can appreciate your job and want a change.
Therapy helps you hold both. It’s not about silencing discomfort—it’s about understanding what those emotions are trying to tell you.
A More Compassionate Practice
If you’ve been trying to bully yourself into gratitude, try this:
Pause. Try to catch the moment you say “I should be grateful.”
Ask yourself: What am I actually feeling underneath that?
Allow: Can both feelings exist at once?
Part of developing deeper emotional maturity is building a tolerance for multiplicity–the acknowledgment that one feeling doesn’t necessarily cancel out another. That’s the foundation of healthy gratitude.
For the Fixers and Feel-Better-Fast Crowd
You don’t have to spin every hard thing into a positive. Sometimes gratitude is just noticing that you made it through the day.
And that’s enough.
If you’re ready to explore real, balanced gratitude instead of toxic positivity, schedule a free 15-minute consult with a therapist at Havn Therapy Collective in Philadelphia.