How to Cope with Guilt When Setting Boundaries

5 Practical Strategies

Setting boundaries is one of the healthiest things you can do for your well-being and your relationships. But for many people, it can stir up negative feelings. Instead of relief, you might feel guilt. You might wonder if you’re being selfish or difficult.

The truth is: feeling guilty when you set boundaries doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re practicing a new skill that your mind and body aren’t used to yet.

Here’s why guilt shows up — and how to cope with it.

Why Guilt Comes Up Around Boundaries

• Old conditioning: If you grew up in an environment where your needs were minimized, you may have learned that prioritizing yourself is “selfish.”

• People-pleasing patterns: If you’re used to saying “yes” to keep the peace, saying “no” can trigger fears of conflict or rejection.

• Fear of disappointing others: Boundaries sometimes does mean letting others down — and that discomfort can feel like guilt.

1. Remember that discomfort is a sign of change

Just because something feels uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Guilt often shows up when you’re stepping out of an old pattern and into a healthier one. Over time, that guilt fades and is replaced by confidence.

2. Reframe boundaries as acts of care

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away — they’re about making relationships more sustainable. Remind yourself: “This boundary helps me stay present, available, and authentic with others.”

3. Start small

If guilt feels overwhelming, start with smaller boundaries. Instead of going for big “no,” try setting a time limit, delaying your response, or practicing a gentle boundary in a lower-stakes relationship or situation. Building confidence step by step makes guilt easier to manage.

4. Validate your own needs

When guilt arises, pause and ask yourself: “What need is this boundary protecting?” Naming the need (rest, respect, emotional safety) helps you feel grounded in why the boundary matters and why you’re setting it.

5. Separate guilt from responsibility

It’s natural to feel bad when someone is disappointed by your boundary — but remember that their feelings are not your responsibility to fix. You can care about and acknolwedge someone’s disappointment without abandoning your own needs.

Closing Thoughts

It’s normal to feel guilt when you start setting boundaries. That guilt doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong — it means you’re breaking old patterns and practicing a new, healthier way of relating.

At Havn Therapy Collective, we know how hard it can be to set and hold boundaries without feeling overwhelmed by guilt or self-doubt. If you’d like support in building confidence and clarity around boundaries, we’d be honored to walk with you.

👉 Learn more or schedule a free consultation below